Story Break
An Interview With Jerome.
Sometimes it's more complicated than that.
Our guest today has been dead for five thousand three hundred years, but this has only enhanced his fame, if not his fortune. Even in our modern era of credit default swaps, toxic assets, identity theft, and hedge funds, banks still, for some reason, are skittish about dealing directly and honestly with the deceased. For his sake, we can only hope this will change soon.
So, on to our guest.
Q: Sir, you are known to the world as both Ötzi the Iceman and Frozen Fritz. What do you prefer to be called?
A: Well, when I am alive, my Mutter call me lots of name. I say "Anything you want meine Mutter, but not so much late for the dinner, ja?" Then she hit me with the stick once. But I always like the Jerome. Is a name common among my people then. Call me Jerome.
Q: All right then, Jerome it is then. Jerome the Iceman.
A: No. Name is Jerome. No joke on the name. Only Jerome, or I haff to bang you with the rock on the head once.
Q: Well Jerome, sir, from recent genetic studies of your mummified corpse, it appears that you may have had brown eyes and abundant facial hair.
A: Ja. This is true. My people have with the hair a good relationship.
Q: Scientists have also determined that you had type O blood. Is this true as well?
A: I don't know. When they find me in ice I am dry of blood already. From blood I don't know, but whenever I kill the deer I have a drink of the blood. It is good. Keep the body young, nicht wahr? Not so much any more since I am dead though.
Q: Tell you what. I'll try it next time I bring down a deer.
A: Ja. You try it. Is good for the skin too. Keep it from falling off. I have many years in the ice and no blood, so my skin it comes all off. Is better to avoid this if you can.
Q: So, apart from you being lactose intolerant and having parents from Sardinia, what was the best part of living along the neolithic Austrian/Italian border that wouldn't even exist for another 5000 years or so?
A: Well, I think I say my backpack. I make it from the animal skin and the stick. We have plenty sticks back in my time but your scientist people get all excited pretty much on that one somehow. Scientist people never see the stick before, maybe.
Like, I quote to you: "The picture that emerges from my analysis of Ötzi's possessions is of a mature, highly skilled hunter. His kit provided, with minimal weight, all the necessary tools for hunting, butchering and bringing back meat, skins, antlers or horn on his lightweight pack frame."
Pretty good for a dead guy, no? Meine Mutter is all the time calling me Dummkopf. She might be proud of me now maybe, if not also dead.
Q: Well, you may not know this, but these days we have a trend called Ultralight Backpacking, based on a lot of the principles found in your gear. Have you heard about it and if so, what do you think?
A: Ja. I have the light pack. Is good. I carry moss around and some few rocks. That is all I have to eat. Once I have the elk liver too, but I eat it right away, so there is not so much to carry. Know what I am saying? No shopping. No money. Nobody has the car, not even used one. We eat dirt sometimes, from the hunger. Is why I carry the moss. Only a snack. But is all I have.
Q: Sounds like life was tough, but with your light gear you must have been able to travel long distances in comfort. How was it?
A: Always hungry, me. I steal once some roots and a piece dried rabbit meat. Then they come after. Long chase. Way long, up the mountains. All over me for piece of stupid meat. Shoot me full of arrows, they. Then I die and the ice get me. Not fun.
I should have stayed in the Sardinia after all. Instead I go up north. I wander. I hunt. I even learn the language but nothing work out. Now you. You are idiot. Go away or I kill you. I am Jerome. You are fool. Go away fool. Leave me dead.