Story Break
GearMaster Presents:
Getriebekopf Hose from Siemens.
My pants are now smarter than you.
I 'm wearing intelligent pants today.
I'm still breaking them in, but aside from an occasional beep you can't really tell they aren't ordinary hiker wear.
Fully operational, they'll be rated at 140 IQ, a good 50 points above most people you meet on the trail. So I'm hopeful.
And that's just my pants. Being a gearhead means you need to stay ahead of the curve, so I've got other stuff too. For example, my hiking shirt is no slouch either, but it's the pants that really carry me.
One thing you find is that, after you take that first step — you know, crossing into TekSpace — backpacking season becomes a constant series of upgrade cycles.
This stuff isn't cheap either. I had to get a second job to pay for batteries at first. Luckily though I'm all solar now.
And it's worth it. I'm in a class by myself.
Yesterday I downloaded all of Google Earth into my left pants cuff. Google Maps into the right, and now I'm working through Landsat's image database. This will take up both back pockets but the return will be huge.
This year I will be totally ready for hiking season. Ain't nobody going to have better intel than me.
I can visualize any feature on earth down to one meter in the ultraviolet, infrared, and visible wavelengths, and project contour lines at 1, 5, 10, and 20 meter intervals on a heads-up display.
I've got high-res imagery on the Etosha pan, Eyjabakkajökull glacier, El Vizcaíno Biosphere Reserve, the English Lake District, and everything else worth knowing about.
These pants have a phone with voice recognition dialing, a hands-free mic, and lots of apps including every hiker's favorite, Angry Bugs. Cool.
The MP3/AM/FM system automatically switches off if the phone rings, or flicks over to voice mail if I don't want to be bothered, or if I have a little private business to take care of in person, trailside. (Some things are still hands-on you know.)
Maybe that wasn't quite the right way to say it, but hey, all my gear is machine washable, just in case.
Once I get loaded up with a few hundred audio books, and lay in a copy of Wikipedia for laughs, I'll be able to hike anywhere, anytime, and know everything. And carry on an intelligent conversation with my zipper.
Hey. Maybe I'll throw in some MIT Coursewear. You know: Unlocking Knowledge, Empowering Minds. Learning By The Seat Of Your Pants.
I could take a look at architecture, or health sciences. Get a degree in management. Find out how to set up a windproof, waterproof-breathable shell corporation. There's no limit.
But first, while my pants are charging up, me too. Time for a power nap. No chance of oversleeping though — got the tingle alarm set for 20 minutes sharp.
I'm on it.