Story Break
Ultralight Commandments
Carry less, think less.
Remember that gross weight got this name for a reason, because gross.
Choose whether to carry weight in the belly or on the back, but is more easy getting accustomed to chosen weight distribution first, while still at home and can watch TV in a relaxing posture. Think about this.
Even trip of one thousand miles begin with one step. Best first step is buy a scale. Second step is learn how to cheat scale. This lesson is useful in many other time zones as well.
Practice hiking naked. Is practical of lightness. Naked people are also entertaining to watch. This could be you.
Do not carry things like heavy rocks in your pack. Expert hikers carry only the lightweight rocks.
If pack is so light that you forget it is there, then it is light enough. Expect to lose it in strong winds then, just before big storm hits. See? Is all connected, and you already know how to be naked from previous advice, so good to go.
Get base weight down to 15% of you body weight. Then diet. Continue this until all cares are gone.
Also, poop often.
Make the gear from camouflage cloth. Invisible is most lightest of all.
Plan ahead. Become efficient. Try to be good at this backpacking stuff, especially with the food. If food is too hard then learn to yogi from others while telling the entertaining lie. This also useful many places such as business and marriage.
Hold the breath. Breathing uses energy. Energy requires food. So. Breathe less — eat less — carry less. Simple.
Donate your old heavy things to your daughter’s boyfriend. Judge outcome as chance to hone observational skills. And as source of good stories we think maybe.
Humping a heavy pack is bad, especially if you are caught in this act. Goes double if someone has camera. Triple if is their pack and they have big sticks. Be always cautious. Learn stealth techniques or self-controlling. Sure, is lonely on trail, but use proper judgment.
If you need it, bring it. If not, don’t. If wrong stuff, borrow. If you can’t borrow, steal when no one looking. Also, practice your running away before attempting these advanced techniques.
Remember, swiftness is for the young, unless you have a light pack. Then, even geezers can run fast.
Avoid parasites. But if you are parasite, be amusing. Everyone loves a show, so a little missing blood is small price to pay for a good time, easily forgiven. Always to be smiling. This helps too. Most people are gullible.
Use lightest available brand of dehydrated water when possible, despite expense.
Do not covet the other person’s gear. Instead, take their ideas. These are also much lighter and pack smaller too.
Taste everything to see if it is good to eat. Surprises often come in small packages, but some have stingers.
Keep in mind that there are powers greater than you, and some of them will be hungry. Therefore, always hike with a buddy, and put buddy on point. You may later on have to live with sadness, but the living part is the important one. So learn to hide grin while doing the mourning.
You are now good to go, so go. Go far away now.
The end.