Story Break
Look Out For Number One
Five tips for staying alive
Number 5 On The Countdown...
Don't catch anything.
OK, fishing is fine, mostly, but if you pull in one with teeth bigger than your toes, you could be on the wrong continent, or your technique is off.
Most people, when they have any technique at all, have the bad kind, and all they get is mosquito bites and maybe sunburn. You, you're too far off the other end.
Most important, when you're not fishing, be careful around your hamster. If you have a pet rat instead, this also applies.
Remember, these critters are used in medical research for a reason, because when you're done with them you can just drop them in the garbage disposal and nobody cares.
But the other reason is they can catch anything you can. And if they can catch it then they can hand it back to you.
So, no more kissing on the lips.
Number 4 On The Countdown...
If you are alive now, something you do will likely kill you.
If not now, then later. This has been documented by scientists.
So, some tips to prolong your stay are in order. Like avoiding scorpions.
Scorpions, as you may not be aware, are notoriously difficult to reason with, so if you find one in your pants, then offering it a bite of your sandwich - meh. Too little, too late, especially if your sandwich has mustard on it. Mustard sends scorpions into stinging frenzies.
Another good bet, avoidance-wise, is crocodiles.
No matter how cuddly they look, a lot of them are exceedingly cranky, to the point that every day seems to be a bad day, which makes them nippy, and you might be surprised to find that one of your arms or legs is going home with Mr Crockie without the rest of you.
Don't let this kind of thing ruin your day.
Poisonous birds? Once bitten, twice shy, as they say, if not dead. OK?
Number 3 On The Countdown...
Being in the South may kill you.
Meaning the southern United States. No one knows why. It could be the home cooking. Or the slower pace of life may be too stressful.
Anyway, now you know. Stick to northern states until you toughen yourself up. (But avoid Alaska - you don't have the skills. Too many big things with teeth. Speaking of which…)
Number 2 On The Countdown...
Mammals: dangerous — all of them.
Mammals are smart enough to be dangerous, and some of them have been to college. You can't tell just by looking.
They can learn tricks too, and an especially nasty trick is cheating at poker. Remember that painting of the dogs playing cards? Well, each and every one of them was cheating.
If you see a dog with a gun, keep still, especially if it has a cigar in its mouth and a weak hand. Dogs can't see you unless you move, except if you smell like food, so always brush your teeth after lunch.
Also, never get naked and hoot at a moose. Some really crazy things have been known to happen.
Number 1 On The Countdown...
Steer clear of backpackers.
Not the dizzy flipflop-wearing drunk looney-tunes on summer break in Costa Rica, but the ones who go out and sleep in the dirt. These tend to be highly infectious.
Most victims are close friends or even family members. Simply watching a backpacker preparing for a trip can have irreversible results.
First you watch, then you talk, and then, before anybody knows what's happening, you've become one of them and disappeared.
Oh, true, some do come back, apparently alive, but permanently mentally damaged after a summer of hiking. They never again return to what they once were.
Never.