Story Break
Dear Dr Backpack.
(Questions from the audience)
Dear Dr Backpack:
What are the 10 essentials and should I worry about them? I get confused. Big numbers are hard. Do I really need 10 things? What are they? Are there really 10?
- Skippy McReady, Mrs Wilson's 4th grade
Dear Skippy:
The secret of being a real backpacker is to make do with what you have, so don't worry. Whole fleets of rescue helicopters are sitting idle most days, and there are literally thousands of volunteer mountain rescue crews just itching to keep their skills up to date. But what do they have to do? Sit around and wait for a call that never comes.
In my experience there are only three essentials anyway:
- Cigarettes.
- Beer.
- Cookies.
Cookies contain all the essential nutrients needed by the human body, except for water and alcohol, which is why beer is a good idea. Smoking cigarettes keeps you alert and gives your hands something to do while you wait to be rescued. I'd say don't waste your time in class but get out there and start acting like a man.
- Dr Backpack
Dear Dr Backpack:
I'm not old enough to buy cigarettes or beer. What should I do? Beer tastes icky. Where can I get some money? I don't have any money and is this right? Cigarettes make people stinky. I don't want any cigarettes. I don't want to be stinky.
- Skippy McReady, Mrs Wilson's 4th grade
Dear Skippy:
Extra food and water are important too, as well as extra clothes.
You can always trade food, water, and clothes for beer and cigarettes.
Try looking for some guys living near the tracks, or under a bridge. They always have plenty of beer, and cigarettes too. They are usually short of food and clean clothes, so it will be easy to "trade up".
If it's a cold day, one of the guys might even loan you his sleeping bag. Don't get too close though.
- Dr Backpack
Dear Dr Backpack:
What about a compass? Shouldn't I have a compass? My cub scout leader told me I should always have a compass. His name is Mr Smith. I don't like bridges. My mom said not to go under bridges. Those guys are scary. Why should I go there? I'm scared.
- Skippy McReady, Mrs Wilson's 4th grade
Dear Skippy:
That's all very nice, but what good is a compass if you don't know where you are?
First you get a compass, and then you need a map to go with it, and then you have to learn how to read a map and everything. Before long you're all tuckered out.
Makes a fella dizzy.
I always rely on what we call "Dead Reckoning". You reckon you'll either get where you're going or end up dead.
Keep it simple, Skippy.
I'd say carry a knife instead. Or a gun. Like Al Capone said, "You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone never carried a compass in his life, but he knew how to use a gun, and he was famous.
- Dr Backpack
Dr Backpack:
Whoa, hold on just a minute, Buster. Who are you and why are you feeding my son this crock of crap? He's in the fourth grade, for God's sake. Who the hell are you to tell my son to take up smoking and drinking at the age of nine, let alone digging around under bridges consorting with homeless men? And carry a gun? CARRY A GUN? What the hell are you up to? WHAT. THE. HELL?
- Alana McReady, Skippy's Very Angry Mother
Dear Ms. McReady:
Well, you know what the internet is like. I spend a lot of time on the internet these days, now that I no longer have to show up at work.
Luckily spring came along just in time, and then summer. I was able to shed my sweatsuit and move into my underwear. Now I no longer need to get dressed at all, let alone bother with shaving or bathing.
This makes life much easier. Saves money too.
These days I spend a lot of time downloading things from the internet. Mostly photos, but a lot of video too. Video is cool because I don't have to use my imagination as much. It's amazing what you can find online.
Right now I have just about enough money to cover rent, with a little left over for food and the essentials. I guess you already know what those are.
Could you find the time to send me a picture of your son? It helps me to imagine I'm dealing with a real person.
Heck, while you're at it, send me a picture of yourself instead. Preferably in pajamas, unbuttoned if you can. I'd like to add it to my collection. I especially like photos of mommies in bunny pajamas. Do you have some?
I hope so.
- Dr Backpack
Dr Backpack:
What kind of pervert are you? Where do you live? I demand to know your name and address so I can send the police to round you up. IMMEDIATELY. You deserve to be thrown in jail with the key broken off in the lock. And left to rot. FOREVER.
- Alana McReady, She-Devil
Dear Ms McReady:
Oh, I hardly think that would be enjoyable. I get claustrophobic. I even have trouble opening closet doors and looking inside much less being confined in one.
I guess that's partly why my apartment looks the way it does. I'd clean the place but I'm afraid to even reach inside a closet to grab the vacuum. No telling what might try to grab me back. Sort of a personal issue, I guess.
So I'm still not taking any chances with those closets.
There was an awful smell coming out of one of them, starting around last November. I'm not really sure what it was. One of the neighborhood kids who got lost, or a family of dead rats. Maybe neither. Could have been an old pot roast. I guess I should have put it in the refrigerator but sometimes I get confused about which is which.
Probably neither. Children or rats, I mean. I think I would know for sure by now, though it could still be the pot roast.
Anyway, the smell stopped after about six months, or I've gotten used to it, or something, and things are pretty well back to normal. So when are you and Skippy coming by for a visit?
Don't forget about the bunny pajamas. I think you might look good in them. In fact your name sounds familiar. Really familiar. I believe we've met. If I'm right about that, you have nothing to apologize for.
- Dr Backpack
Dr Backpack:
Creep.
- Alana McReady, Who lives to see you at the end of a rope.
Dear Ms McReady:
Sorry. I forgot to mention everything.
When Skippy goes out into the woods he should be sure to also take these along:
- First aid kit
- Fire starter
- Matches
They can be handy for camping or even for someone who has a breakdown on the road.
So when are you coming over? I can't wait to see you in person again.
Or should I drop by your house? I can bring my own pajamas. I don't have any bunny PJs but do have a camel suit. Kind of like pajamas but it takes two people. If you want to be up front, I can teach you how to make the humps wiggle.
I'm sure you'd catch on pretty fast.
I may still have your address around here somewhere.
- Dr Backpack
Dr Backpack:
My address? Don't you dare come near my house or I'll drop you. Skippy doesn't have a gun but I do, and I know how to use it, you depraved lunatic. I mean it. DO NOT COME NEAR MY HOUSE! EVER! UNDERSTAND?
- Alana McReady
Dear Ms McReady:
The other two items are:
- Sunglasses and sunscreen
- Headlamp/flashlight
Granted, if you're camping in the back yard you probably don't need even a flashlight. Just leave the yard light on.
But when you do it leave it on, it shines straight into my bedroom window, so I'd prefer if you could use a flashlight. A headlamp if you want, but it isn't really necessary.
Likewise, if you and Skippy are just out for an overnight in the back yard, the sunglasses and sunscreen aren't that important, but keep them in mind for longer trips.
Next time you're out sunning and need any help with that naughty old tube of sunscreen, just give a whistle. I can hop the fence and be right there before you know it.
I didn't put all the pieces together at first, but we're closer than I thought. Next door neighbors, in fact. How about that?
Every now and then I can even catch a glimpse of you coming out of the shower, through your bathroom window, though I think you do look better out in that warm, warm sun, all slippery with lotion. Nice sunglasses by the way. They go well with your bikini.
See you again soon. I hope.
- Dr Backpack
Dr Backpack:
OK, you twisted deviant. I have you now.
I remember you. I know exactly who you are. Exactly.
Skippy is dialing the police right this second. Expect to see them in about two minutes. You can't get away, fool.
This is the end of your degenerate life. The very end.
PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!
- Alana The Terminator McReady
Dear Ms McReady:
Wow! I'm really attracted to strong women. Did you know that? Well you do now.
I even feel a little faint.
It's going to be hard to get you out of my head, but unfortunately I've just remembered an important business meeting I have. Out of town. Can't say for sure how long this might take, but I'll try to look you up if I'm ever back in these parts.
For now, whenever Skippy goes out hiking or backpacking with his cub scout friends, make sure he's well equipped. The 10 Essentials really are essential. Here's the whole list:
- Map
- Compass
- Sunglasses and sunscreen
- Extra clothing
- Headlamp/flashlight
- First-aid supplies
- Firestarter
- Matches
- Knife
- Extra food
Those are the "Classic Ten Essentials", dating from the original list in the 1930s. The "Updated Ten Essential Systems" is a newer version, freshened a bit, but basically the same idea:
- Navigation (map and compass)
- Sun protection (sunglasses and sunscreen)
- Insulation (extra clothing)
- Illumination (headlamp/flashlight)
- First-aid supplies
- Fire (waterproof matches/lighter/candles)
- Repair kit and tools
- Nutrition (extra food)
- Hydration (extra water)
- Emergency shelter
Well, I've really got to run now. Be well.
Your friend and former neighbor,
- Dr Backpack
The 10 essentials: It pays to keep a set handy...you never know when you might need to grab them and run.
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Comments
– Annoying itch –
I have this distracting itching problem going around the waist band of my underpants, kind of more intense on the right and in back, but definitely all the way around.
Before reading any of the material here, I never noticed anything like this.
Do you have other readers with this kind of problem, or is it maybe a second puberty kicking in? I'll be 68 at the end of the month, and I'd really like it if my sex drive revved up while there's still time — you know, before I completely blow past the silver fox stage and end up in the ditch. If that happens I can't expect to attract any women at all, although this rash can't really help much, come to think of it.
Do you have a sister who might be interested in going out drinking with me? That would be OK, although if you have a daughter, she might have the juice to provide a better jumpstart for someone my age.
I'd like to see if this really is my budding redevelopment or if it's only an allergic reaction to your writing style.
Thanks in advance.
– Scampy Grampy
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