Story Break
What's The Deal Anyway?
– The raccoon. –
Nearly a fox.
Although the raccoon is too common to warrant a description, let's try anyway.
A raccoon is an animal. It has legs and is fuzzy. Two eyes on the front end look for food, which the mouth then bites, chews, and swallows. Sounds familiar, right?
So what does this raccoon thing eat then? Good of you to ask.
The raccoon frequently engages in omnivory, either alone or with others, sometimes even in broad daylight, but usually is driven by modesty to hide these tendencies under a cloak of darkness, and often carries them out behind a screening cover of bushes.
Insects and worms are popular among raccoons, as are fruits, acorns, and walnuts, fish, and amphibians. Popular as in popular to eat.
But what are their favorite foods?
In the southern U.S., one of the raccoon's favorites is Natchitoches Meat Pies prepared from squirrel meat. Here's how:
- Saute diced squirrel in butter with garlic, onion, bell pepper, and bay leaf.
- Stir in tomato paste, cayenne pepper, cloves, thyme, coriander, and allspice and cook a bit more.
- Roll out several circles of well-kneaded dough made from flour, salt, oil, and water.
- Place a tablespoon of meat filling in each dough circle, fold it over and crimp the edges. (Don't forget to remove the bay leaf first, though — bay leaves have pointy spines!)
- Bake for 25 minutes at 350° F until golden brown.
- Let these squirrel bits cool, then toss them onto the dirt in the back yard at dusk.
Your raccoons? Will love them.
What! I don't live in the South — what about me?
Up north you can try the same, using local critters for filling.
Flying squirrel chunks are a good bet. Flying squirrels are good because they're almost like tree rats, so, if you think of them that way it's easier to strangle them and hack them to bits for raccoon chow.
Also (and this is a bigger deal) if you have a close relationship with your local raccoons, then once you gut and skin the squirrels you can make little capes from the hides. Raccoons love getting presents, and nothing says "Hey, I'm nuts, and crazy about you besides!" better than a raccoon-sized cape made of squirrel fur.
Raccoons already come with masks, so it's like you have your own private posse of super-heroes. With teeth.
For those of you lacking a job or a fixed address (like many backpackers) and who frequently spend nights sleeping in the dirt (like many backpackers), you probably don't have a real kitchen or a back yard either, so you can't do this so easily. But you still may have plenty of raccoons, and these raccoons may still come around pretty regularly looking for treats. And you do have the dirt. And the potential for interaction.
So here's one scenario, with an outcome that should soothe you.
Say you go to bed. You're in your tent, trying to get some sleep, and you hear that telltale skittering, chittering, chirping sound — raccoons again. You're probably all too familiar with these vocalizations. So you get up and discover that — once again — they have gotten into your food, which you were careful to hang.
But still.
And your pack too, which you were also careful to hang.
Yikes! What now?
So most of your food is eaten, and the rest is scattered around and covered with raccoon scat. And your pack has been ripped to bits.
Does this make you angry? Probably.
And probably about now you're thinking that the last thing you want is more raccoons, right? Well hold on a second. There is something you can do to save the situation.
Back in the 1920s raccoon coats were a big deal. A little later the actor Fess Parker in a coonskin cap played Davy Crockett on TV and set off a style trend nationwide among young boys eager to wear dead animals on their heads. You could go this route.
Here's a suggestion about how: Set out a dish, add some water to maintain moistness, and place pieces of fruit, live crayfish, or other raccoon treats in it. Other raccoon treats? Some use those tiny marshmallows, or grapes. Fish, cookies, pasta, and peanut butter might work too. Maybe even worms.
Then, the next time those raccoons come around, grab a few. One problem is, they often come in waves, and you can't really grab more than one at a time without a lot of practice. Even grabbing one raccoon can be the experience of a lifetime. (Raccoons look cute but seldom exhibit age-appropriate behavior.) So grab with discretion until you gain the experience you need to do it without even thinking. Or losing fingers. Without losing too many of the fingers you actually need, day-to-day.
Got your bag of critters at the ready?
Once you have a good collection of raccoons, hang them upside down by the back feet. This is always amusing. At first the little tykes don't quite know what to do but soon catch on and may begin hissing at you and flailing wildly. This is perfectly normal. And a good reason to wear gloves. Though the show they put on for you is priceless.
Now cut around the legs just below the feet, and from hip to hip between the you-know-what-hole and the tail. Then pull the furry covering off of the tail.
At this point in the process the raccoon often begins to relax. But not always.
The trickiest part is next — slicing around the ears, eyes, nose, and gums. You may get nipped, but keep at it until you have made all your cuts up there, and finish by jerking off the whole skin in one piece. You do this by laying the raccoon down on the ground and stepping on its naked tail, then peeling the skin off the rest of the body the way you peel the skin from a banana.
Give the raccoon a treat for its trouble and send it on its way. If you have been careful you will notice that you have at most only a few light scratches that have hardly even broken the skin. This is good.
What you don't really want is deep punctures, severed arteries, or any overly deep gashes, slices, tooth furrows, or random, saliva-covered wounds at all. If you see any of these, call for medical evacuation — you've obviously picked the wrong raccoon, or you simply haven't practiced enough yet.
Did we mention anything about a rabies vaccination? It's never too late, except sometimes. Luck plays a role too.
Anyhow, getting back to it, release your raccoon and don't fret. Its fur will grow back in a few days and be even bushier than before. Raccoons in the wild lose fights all the time, and raccoon hide is meant to come away easily. From an evolutionary perspective it is much better to leave your fur behind than to suffer a serious injury (or worse!), and as noted here, the fur grows back really fast anyway.
OK, and...?
Meanwhile you there, what do you have? Besides a few (possibly) light scratches and an incipient case of rabies? You have a nice raccoon skin.
This is payback time.
Get at least two or three more skins and you are in business.
You will need a needle and thread, which you should have with you on every backpacking trip, for repairs. You just lost your pack to shredding, therefore this technically qualifies as a repair, so we're OK on that account.
Lay out the hides and get to work. (All this is easiest in daylight but if you're stressed and can't get back to sleep, and there is a full moon, you can work through the rest of the night and take a nap later. Some howls of victory are allowable too.)
Get to work.
So you should by now have enough hides in a pile to sew up a replacement for the backpack that those chippy snippy nippy raccoon critters chewed to bits. If not, get more using the same technique we've described above.
The first time or two you go through this process it might seem more difficult than it really is, and your finished pack will definitely look home-made, but after you do a couple you'll quickly catch on.
Use your knife to slice up the hides just as you would cut fabric at home (using your best judgment on size and shape), then sew the various pieces together.
For shoulder straps you'll need at least two tails but this is OK since you can't make a pack out of just one hide anyway.
Keep working and stitching until you have a new pack ready to go.
If you should make any irreversible mistakes, simply get another hide by grabbing any raccoon that happens to be passing by and peeling it. But by this point you ought to be about knee deep in hides, so no biggie.
As a rule of thumb, go for the plumpest raccoons with the healthiest-looking fur. Any raccoon exhibiting foam (coming from either end of the body) is probably not a good bet. (Even if your vaccinations are up to date.)
When assembling your pack, don't forget to keep the fur side out. Fur helps to repel rain and gives the pack that trendy all-organic look, besides being silky smooth against your skin. If you have more tails than you need, use the extras to make a hip belt, or stitch them onto the back somewhere for decoration. This will definitely get you noticed, especially by rangers, who appreciate this sort of creative handiwork.
Park rangers, forest rangers, any kind of rangers really — they will all know the score as soon as they see you coming and most likely will invite you to stop by the office for a visit. In fact, you can bet on it. This means at least one free meal, and maybe lots of them, indoors, where it's warm. It's nice to have friends in high places.
You'll be surprised how much attention you'll get from all the authorities. They don't call them authorities for nothing, you know — they're trained to identify good work when they see it.
They know their jobs, and will give you many helpful tips during your time with them. And you're likely to find yourself spending lots of time with them and with their associates. Like sheriffs, deputy sheriffs, guards, bailiffs, lawyers, prosecutors — judges even. All kinds of important people, many carrying guns.
Think about that!
Happy hiking!