Story Break
How To Pack A Backpack
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
When I read the warning label on my Batman costume I got mad. I don't like getting mad. Getting mad makes me mad. When I get mad things get ugly, so I go to the gym. Sure, the gym is ugly too, but nobody cares if I punch stuff there.
So I go there. And I punch stuff. When I'm mad.
Generally then, to get my life sorted out I punch stuff. It works. Pretty well. For me it works. Filling my backpack though? That's harder. It's not just fist work. And I have to think a little besides.
Thinking bugs me.
Packing for a trip is the hard part of backpacking. Getting stuff into the pack. Getting organized. Thinking.
You know?
Putting things in the pack so they stay there. Getting things out again. Fixing things so they don't get annoying. I don't like being annoyed. It makes me mad.
Packing.
Packing. That is a art I had to master with severe patience, because I am one guy who does not like being annoyed, and this is one of my things. You know? Being annoyed and all. At packing. At any thing. I hate that. And not in a good way.
Maybe it is just me, but being annoyed really annoys me, and I get cranky. And then it all gets complicated. I do not like that. I like it simple.
Complicated stuff is annoying.
You may have a different opinion. If so, come around some day and we will work through it. We will settle up like friends do. Maybe have a couple of beers and do some punching. I am always open to new stuff. Especially if I can do some punching on the side.
New stuff? OK by me. A guy like me goes places. I get around.
I get exposed to new ideas, new scenery, new faces and stuff. I like that. Show me a map with a big red X on it and I will take a swing. Sure, why not? Any time. It is new. Might be fun. I will go there.
I work all over. My work takes me places. In my field the work is hard. It is hard, but that is what I do, so I do it. I got a hard, busy life.
So, then there is backpacking.
Backpacking is different. It ain't hard. It is relaxing, mostly.
When I go backpacking I relax. I get soothed. I rest up.
Backpacking is pretty easy to figure out. As much as I like a good workout and some healthy punching to clear the air, sometimes things still get to me, usually when there is too much thinking. So that is one reason I go backpacking.
Why.
Backpacking does not have a lot of thinking.
I like that.
Not much thinking, that one is for me.
The best part is, it is not hard either. Backpacking breaks down pretty simple once you do a little work up front.
Unfortunately it involves some thinking though. Did I use that word?
Thinking.
Thinking stinks.
There is not too much thinking though. Not in backpacking. And once you are done with it, that is all. That is it. No more thinking, ever. You just walk.
The basics, they are easy, see. Only three steps. You got forward, you got backward, and then sideways.
Take this for example. Make it Exhibit A. You got to walk like uphill, or downhill, or funny places off the trail? What do you think first? You think balance. Balance is the most important aspect here.
How.
Balance.
It is the thing, the main thing, and nothing but the thing. Like when you go up against Big Joey Palooka, what do you think? You think Lord, keep me out of the way, that is what you think.
And how do you do it?
Well, Big Joey can swing, but he cannot dance. He is like a tree falling. If he lands on you it is over. But he is only like a tree falling. He cannot dance a lick. He ain't got balance, no moves. Not him.
So you make up for that on your side. You dance.
This is your secret weapon. You got the balance, you got the moves, you do the dancing. Or get creamed. The key to dancing is balance. In the ring, in backpacking, no difference. It is dancing. And dancing is about balance. All the time.
Balance and stability.
Did I mention stability? It is about balance and stability.
Balance and stability might be tempted to punch each other's lights out for the championship if they were not so close. It is like they are joined at the hip. Really the same thing, really, like your two feet. One left. One right. Same thing, you just happen to have two of them but you need both.
They are your foundation. In the ring, out backpacking, your foundation everywhere, all over.
Generally, hill work is puffing up a slope or tromping back down, and it can throw you, especially if you ain't got no trail. It is all too easy to go off kilter unless you are in tight with stability and balance.
So how do you get it working?
I know how I do it.
Do this here.
By careful packing. Being careful works, and it ain't hard. So here is how.
Take your pack, say, and the stuff you want in it? Put it in there. Put the stuff in the pack, is all.
Work carefully. Train up. Use some planning.
Then, at the right moment, apply force in a smooth push with a easy follow through. Just like your special patented Sunday haymaker that never fails, only do it in slo-mo. S-L-O-W, Moe.
Get it working with a little practice and you are set. It ain't hard. It is like a rhythm. Like a smooth and easy rhythm at the speed bag in the gym, only slow. You can do that, right?
The heavy items you carry, they go in lower, for stability, especially if you are headed into the rough. The heavy things? Push them down. Get them well below your breadbasket. Down there they do not try any fancy stuff, see? You get them tight and they stay put and they do not even think of throwing any monkey punches or doing any headbutts on your kidneys.
You do not want nothing fancy. Just quiet and solid, that is what you want. That is how you avoid kissing the canvas in the ring, and that is how it works on the trail too.
Cuz you do not want no dumb pack treating you like a old tomato can. You want the pack to know who is the boss. That way, down a hill, you never get no rear end rumba. You are right, tight, and feel light. That is it. What you want.
Scenario Two is Exhibit B. Not so fascinating but more commonplace. More average like.
Say you are on a trail, like one you can walk blindfolded on. Level. Boring. You do not need no fancy footwork here at all just to avoid a standing eight count. You walk sitting up straight. Straight and easy, more like a real man. Less like a ape.
With heavy stuff to carry, shove it in same as before but park it one level higher, still close to your back though. And tight. Still tight. So as to maintain your demeanor and allow you to go the distance.
Lighter stuff, some of it goes under this, and some on top of it. A wraparound job. The heavier stuff stays put at the middle level. Keep it surrounded. Always, always close in to your back. Other than that, the rest is the same. I have now memorized this into easy steps so my head can remain at rest. That way I maintain a even strain. Such as the following.
1: Step one.
Shape up. Get your goods together. Once you get moving there is no corner man to mother you, so pull it together up front. You need food, and water, and clothing, and the rest. All of it. Do not flinch here. Get these things and lay them all out, nice and orderly. Otherwise you are just some dope leading with his chin.
2: Step two.
Do it. Put it in the pack. OK?
Scrunch in some light things you will not need while you are walking, like your dinner jacket.
That is a joke, hey. But it is true. Stuff you do not need all the time all day? In the bottom. So I follow this easy plan and pad out the bottom layer like it was a back corner in my closet. Think like that.
Next up, anything heavy, along your back as noted, and leftovers? They fill out the corners. These may be a extra pair of satin trunks or a spare pair of training gloves.
That too is a joke.
3: Now we arrive to step three.
I like this one. This is more like man's work.
The biggest, baddest, heaviest things of all? That you need extra room for? You tie them down good and tight, on the outside, where there is plenty of room. Get it wrong though and your gear will fall through the ropes. Make you look like a chump, a loser. So do not be dumb. Remember. You are a contender. Got that? So act like it.
No fighting to a draw neither. You want it good and tight, straight up, fair and square. Damn right. No feints on this one. Feinting is out. Swing. Swing hard. Nail it. Go for a knockout by following my method.
So get extra straps if you need, or better yet a pack that has them built in and get your tent and sleeping bag locked to the outside. One of these items on top, one on the bottom. Loops. Look for a pack with loops. Loops help. That is my hint to you.
With your heavies outside the pack, on top and on the bottom, that spreads the weight. Holds it off, away from your soft parts. Prevents unannounced rabbit punches, liver jabs, elbowing, low blows, and accidents, alike.
4: Solving it.
You might wonder how I learned this, beating my pack-loading problems to mush so's I no longer even notice them.
For a while it was tough.
This is true.
Early on I was often to be found liberally applying technical language in a useless and angry way until the paint peeled.
And I also flung many mis-aimed kicks and took wild swings towards my pack, to little beneficial effect. The pack was innocent. The whole process was mostly me fanning the air.
I was in the dark. Wild crazy stuff. It was looking like a trip to Loserville.
The sewing therapy needed for recovery to my pack was excessive. It ate up my time and my wallet to boot. I was almost down for the count. Me!
But I am now much wiser and you can too. You do not have to be a genius like Norman Einstein to figure this one out. I am not and I did it.
I am in the groove these days. I got it down. No more flailing, just Sweet Science all the way.
Now it is like the afore-mentioned expert single smooth Sunday Afternoon Special Delivery Service and I get a knockout each and every time. My pack is packed, and packed right, packed tight, and feels light. No more living on the ropes for me.
So I am passing my techniques on to you for good backpacking. Free of charge. So's every backpacking trip of yours can be a barnburner.
Go forth, my friend. Whale away and find joy.