Story Break
How To Stay Alive In The Woods.
Ten tips from the experts.
Number 1 - Don't panic unless you are chilled.
Why waste your breath running around? Exercise is annoying. Unless you are chilled, that is. Then, if you are chilled, really, it is OK to run around.
Or better, dance!
Have you ever thought of that?
Dance like nobody's business to the funky beat of your racing heart. No one is there to laugh at you, so why not? You're lost, remember? You could die, right? Hey, go for it.
Practice until you are an expert, then moon walk home. You might even become famous. This is your time to shine, friend!
To keep your mind focused, memorize this simple upbeat refrain before your next trip:
When in trouble!
When in doubt!
Run in circles!
Scream and shout!
Number 2 - Stand still and look around cheerfully.
This is so obvious it is often missed by stupid people, who too often then become dead. It is also less sweaty than dancing.
So look.
If you look, and then see someone you know, you are not lost, they are!
At worst you have found a friend, who can later become a source of spare clothes and protein, and maybe some pocket change. Meanwhile, until hunger lowers your standards, you have someone to talk to!
Number 3 - Stay in one place.
If you move you will lose your place in the rescue queue and have to start over. This is a real pisser if you are on a tight schedule or if you are hungry, and have no friends to eat, so stay put. No one likes a loser.
Try humming, or swear vengeance on God. Shaking your fist at the sky is a good start. Thunderbolts will show you the correct direction to face while doing this.
Number 4 - Signal your location.
First, it helps to know where you are, but if you knew that you wouldn't have to signal, so try signaling then. Signaling is always a terrific way to kill time and will look good on your resume, if you live that long.
Start with small gestures, and work your way up. If there is bright sunlight shining down and a smooth surface nearby, make shadow puppets.
Shadow puppets attract children, whose parents are sure to be near.
Pick the parents who have the biggest car, and hide in it. When home again, pretend you fell asleep in the back and offer a few bucks for gas.
Cash-strapped parents always appreciate a little help, and will wish you well.
Number 5 - Start scouting your area.
This is a long shot if you flunked out of scouting way back when, but you are getting desperate by now, so give this a try if you are still alive. Back to scouting then.
Scouting was invented to keep boys out of trouble so it ought to be entertaining. If not, pretend that it is. Remember how desperate you are, so be willing to try even this.
The rules are:
- Follow the rules
- Practice tying knots
- Keep your uniform tidy
- (Bonus point here, also for your resume...) You probably look sharp in that crisp little uniform, with the scarf and all, especially while dancing.
Number 6 - Find or create shelter.
A cave is a great place to find refuge, but may already be occupied.
Not to worry!
Get a long stick and poke around inside until you hear a loud growl. Then try the next cave over. They can't all be full of bears!
If you find a cave full of bats instead, then make fur clothes from their hides, and a fur-lined sleeping bag too, and you'll be comfy. Little-known fact — bat fur is the warmest there is, though it takes lots of stitching, and here's hoping you're up to date on your vaccinations!
If you find a cave occupied by homeless people instead, promise to send help if they'll give you some food. They always fall for this.
Number 7 - Identify a good source of water.
This can be a tough one, since in the woods there are no brand names, and even bottles are scarce. But keep looking. You will find a bottle eventually.
When you do, fill it from the nearest stream and you're all set. If it's not your favorite brand, so what? Find another bottle and change brands. So simple.
When there are no streams around, take a cue from the survival experts and learn to lap dew from butterfly wings.
Number 8 - Purify your water.
There is no drink purer than the tears of angels, but butterfly dew is a close second, so quit worrying.
Number 9 - Build a fire.
If you can't build a fire from scratch, steal one. No one counts coals any more so it's pretty easy.
Act nonchalant, like you're just wandering by. A smile and a nod are often enough to allay suspicions.
After you have some coals, look for wood to burn. Trees are good for this. Try there.
When you have a pile of wood as high as a man and as wide as the sky, go back to that first cave.
Stack the wood in front of the cave, blocking the entrance. Sprinkle the wood with your burning coals and wait.
It can take a while, so now is a great time to continue working on those dance moves. Pretend that howling noise in the cave is your punk band, and you are on stage in a warm bright spotlight.
When the flames abate, guess what? Roast bear!
Number 10 - Find a safe food to eat.
Most healthy adults can survive up to three weeks without food but why bother? You have a whole bear! Dig in!
Remove the head, legs, and wings, and eat the rest. You deserve it, and it will keep you strong and make you smell good.
But is it safe, you ask? Of course! You just cooked it!
When you simply can't eat another bite, rub leftover bear fat into your hair and over all your skin, to prevent chapping and to repel mosquitoes. If you have gotten tired of your bat-skin outfit, make a fresh one using the bear hide, which is now nicely free of fur, and soft. (It's also edible!)
After you have had enough of this, return to the campground, get in your car, and drive home.
Done.